Monday, March 2, 2009 @ Monday, March 02, 2009
Trepidation
Well well well, what do you know? After 3 months of absence, I've decided to make a revival of my blogging lifestyle. I guess nobody really missed me, judging by the tagbox. Haha. But anyway, my main purpose for this entry is not only for the sake of updating, but rather, a brief outlook of my lfe currently and what future's in store for me.

Sad to say, the past 3 months had been rather monotonous, as i was either doing household chores, exercising, or spending some quality time with my family. With each passing day, i know how little free time i left, so rather than brooding over boredom or uneasiness, i might as well vent it all out on my blog. Well, i can say that the number of days that i really went out to socialise can virtually be counted with my 2 hands (quite pathetic huh?) Still, i did not exactly regret how i spent my time, though deep down in my heart, i really wished i was working or mixing around with my buddies.

I know it seems pretty lame to be drowning myself in one's own sorrow, but for the sake of veting my pent-up emotions, i'll just go on blabbering. Ever since i attended the NTU talk last month, my heart and mind has been feeling relatively uneasy. I knew that i had tried my very best, and that no amount of anticpation is going to change the outcome.

...Anyway, just a random note: The original titleof this entry was "crossroads", but i decided to change it to "trepidation". Don't ask me why, i just felt like doing so...

Back to reality. As i was saying, my A level results are currently weighing pretty heavily on my mind. Each time i try to conjure so formula on my total score, or anticipate the final grades, my head start to tremble, and i will close my eys shut for a while. This uneasy feeling hasn't seem to abate in recent days, and only seems to grow steadily in strength. Even now as i'm writing on, my fingers grow cold at the thought of the outcome. 4 days! Even the O level collection day does not seem to match this in terms of anxiety and stress level. Even though my friends have told me to chill, and wished me the best, i just don't feel so sure about myself. For the first time in my life, i actually dread the very day.

This sense of worry seems to heighten further, hours after i was reflecting the cycling trip i had with cheng ying and chia how. The question posed by CY was simple yet definitive: "What are your plans should u ... not do well... " Even with all the confidence i mustered in answering that question, deep down i knew that bravado was gonna fade somehow.

My answer?

"We'll see by then, we'll see..."

Its amazing how I, together with the hundreds of thousands of other students. await this very day with such patience and endurance. The big test may be over, but the bigger outcome awaits...

Scolarships, application, courses...how all these seem so easily said, yet, it could only be possible with excellent grades.

How life will be such a maddening rush as soon as my hands grasp the oh-so-important slip of paper...

How my destiny will change upon receving this very slip....

How am i going to fare? Oh god, i really want yet fear to know....

I don't know why, but all the words that i wanted to relate in this blog seems to vanish as soon as i think of this. Man, I've got to get a grip! But this feeling just doesn't seem to go away. I will write more as soon as my head clears. Maybe i'll feel better to explain that 3 months of absence. Then again, maybe not.

Anyway, for those awaiting the results too, i wish you all the best! Don't fear like me, or you will feel worse off. Haiz, how i seem to effortlessly encourage people, but fail miserably in doing so to myself.

A level collection, University Open house, training, then NS...

What a life!

Till then...

Labels: